Sports Rules to Live By

With The World Series starting, hockey season here and football season under way, we need to add some new sports rules:
The long snapper is the best named position in sports.
If an e-mail concerning your fantasy league is sent to your place of employment, it is not allowed to be marked “Urgent.”
Air Guitar and karaoke are not sports.
The fatter the fan, the higher the chance he is sitting in an inside seat and will crush you every time he gets up to buy something to eat or go to the bathroom.
If your baseball cap is not visibly old, people will assume you just jumped on the bandwagon.
There should be a five day waiting period before you make a final decision to buy a team logo welcome mat.
The players and referees really don’t take your advice into consideration during the game.
When the section laughs at something a drunk guy yells out during the game, it seals its own fate when he won't shut up for the rest of that game.
When the Kiss Cam focuses on you during a Hershey Bears game, you do not have license to force tongue on someone you wouldn’t normally make out with.
There is a direct proportional connection between the volume of a female fan and chin hair.

Name Your Junk

We got a lot of phone calls asking for the Name Your Junk websites. Here they are:

http://www.blogthing.com/penisnamegenerator/

http://nameyourwang.com/default.htm

Determine Your Bail

Someone sent this to us in an e-mail. Add up all the offenses and see what your bail is. Amy, Patrick and I will announce our bail on the air.

$5 Smoked pot --
$10 Done acid --
$5 Ever boinked at church --
$25 Woke up in the morning and did not know the person next to you--
$40 Boinked with someone from My Space --
$25 Boinked for money --
$100 Boinked with a foreigner --
$20 Vandalized something --
$20 Boinked on your parents' bed --
$10 Beat up someone --
$20 Been jumped --
$10 Crossed dressed--
$10 Given money to stripper --
$25 Been in love with a stripper --
$20 Kissed someone who's name you didn't know
$10 Hit on someone of the same sex while at work--
$15 Ever drive drunk --
$20 Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk --
$50 Used toys while boinking --
$30 Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before --
$20 Went skinny dipping --
$5 Boinked in a pool / hot tub --
$20 Kissed someone of the same sex --
$10 Boinked with someone of the same sex --
$20 Cheated on your significant other --
$10 Self pleasured --
$10 Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --
$20 Done oral --
$5 Got oral --
$5 Done / got oral in a car while it was moving--
$25 Stole something --
$10 Boinked with someone in jail --
$25 Made a nasty home video --
$15 Had a threesome --
$50 Boinked in the wild --
$20 Been in the same room while someone was boinking --
$25 Stole something worth more than a hundred dollars --
$20 Had sex with someone 10 years older --
$20 Boinked with someone 10 years younger --
$25 Been in love with two people or more at the same time
$50 Said you love someone but didn't mean it --
$25 Went streaking --
$5 Went streaking in broad daylight --
$15 Been arrested --
$5 Spent time in jail --
$15 Peed in the pool --
$0.50 Played spin the bottle --
$5 Done something you regret --
$40 Boinked with your best friend --
$20 Boinked with someone you work with at work
$25 Had a no-go area boink --
$80 Lied to your mate --
$5 Lied to your mate about the boinking being good--

OK, now add up your answers to find out your bail

Sorting Elections Out, Talking About Issues

Here are the things we probably don't need to worry about when picking our candidate:

1. Whether or not Obama is wearing a flag lapel pin.
2. The color of Hillary's pants suit.
3. McCain's skin tone.
4. Big mouth preachers.

Here are the things you probably should think about when picking a candidate:

1. Health care.
2. The economy
3. Wars
4. The environment

Need help sorting this stuff out? Click on to www.electoralcompass.com. It can help sort the issues from the crap.

No Behind Left Behind

I am thinking that Larry Craig has already sent Elliot Spitzer a thank you note:

Dear Elliot,

I realize that a prostitution busting politician getting caught with a high priced hooker might not quite rate with a gay bashing politician getting snagged tapping the undercover cop’s foot in the next stall, but the effort is appreciated. As a matter of fact, I’m taking a page from your fallout to help me plan my next attempt to get this whole embarrassment thrown out of court. Do not think it has gone unnoticed that Dr. Laura Schlessinger stated on Good Morning America that men turn to sex outside of marriage because their wives do not focus on their husbands’ needs? Really. I am not making this up. How do you think the following argument would work? My wife did such a lousy job focusing on my needs that she actually made me end up feeling like a woman. Combine this with a cute cop in the next stall, and I think this might hold water. One more thing. I could swear I heard him singing, “It’s Raining Men” before I tapped his foot. If that's not entrapment, I don't know what is. Anyway, thanks for taking my place on Leno's and Letterman's monologues.

Your Friend,

Larry “Wide Stance” Craig.

Saving The World, One Congressional Inquiry at a Time

Stop making fun of Arlen Specter. He apparently has gone as far as he can go on that pesky Iraq thing. Gas seems fairly reasonable at $3.09 a gallon. It’s time to admit that health care is over rated. Suck it up, set your own broken leg, rub some dirt on it and walk it off. What is really important, though, is if the New England Patriots cheated when they beat the Eagles for the Superbowl…In 2005. I think you can safely figure that the first time someone gets caught cheating isn’t the first time he cheats. Here’s an Idea. Look at the network film of the game. If you see a video camera on the Patriots sideline point at the Eagles’ defensive coordinator, they were probably cheating. This is how the Patriots got snagged this season. End of inquiry. Oh, I’m sure Arlen, that you can probably connect a couple of Phillies losses to Roger Clemens and HGH. Oh…One more thing, Arlen: Were you serious about that single bullet theory for The Warren Commission?